So as most of the world knows I’m pregnant again and due late January with baby the second, baby number two or Turducken.
I loved how our neighbours some how find out and congratulate Adam like he’s accomplished a major feat. Me? I thank science, particularly the Reproductive and Endocrinology Department!
Getting pregnant this time was in many ways harder than getting pregnant with Trixie. After her surprise c-section my uterus was left pretty scarred up, which we found out after the surgery I had to open the blocked fallopian tube I had. So I needed 2 more surgeries to remove scar tissue, a mess of fibroids and some crazy endometrium lining. After all of these surgeries I had the go ahead to start trying to conceive. Then I started having gall bladder attacks, which my friends, are horrible. Worse than labour pains, which the surgeon told me is a common complaint about them. The only way to alleviate them quickly was to have my gall bladder removed, which I did, in December. Now I was truly ready to have a baby again. (If you’re counting that was 5 surgeries in 2008!)
Adam and I started on the drugs again (I say Adam because while I take them, he suffers too). We were really optimistic that I would conceive on the first cycle because this drug is most effective the first time you use it. However I was not so lucky. That cycle was a bust, then the next we had to miss because I overstimulated and had to skip one, then the next failed, then the next I was on a super high dose along with another drug to help this one be stronger. This one yielded me with seven eggs, which is a lot. The nurse practitioners cautioned me that I would hurt a lot when I ovulated (I did, a lot) and that I should be prepared for multiples and the possibility of having to reduce the number of embryos. I was excited because with so many eggs I should be able to get at least one, and hopefully two, any more than that was scary, and I did not want to think about reducing the number of babies.
As luck would have it, I did get pregnant. My beta numbers were a little high, but not unbelievably so. From week 4 I was nauseous a lot. At the 6 week ultrasound I learned that there were 2 sacs, and we could see a clear beating heart in one, and something in the other, so it was not an empty sac, which means it was not a blighted ovum. (Which is when an unfertilized egg implants.) I went on to tell everyone that I was pregnant with twins. Which was not scary for me. That would give us 3 children and I’ve always wanted 3 or 4. I would not have to go through another round of fertility treatments, because they’re horrible. My family would be complete, and by this point the nausea was horrible and I felt terrible all of the time. I did not want to think about another pregnancy.
We went back at 7 weeks to check on the other sac, and again that baby was not showing clearly, the sac was still growing and there was something in it. The other baby was growing wonderfully, and had a strong visible heartbeat.
Week 9, it’s obvious that there is now nothing in the sac with the hard to see baby. I am officially pregnant with one only baby, but now with a sac that continues to grow and has a placenta, which gives me the hormone rush, making me nauseous.
Week 10, I’m defined as a “twin loss” I can’t do any early screening because there is DNA from that lost baby in me, which would cloud any testing. Now I am sad. The label of “twin loss” hits me really hard. All of the nurses at the REI clinic are sad and I have a tough time not losing everything in front of them. And besides Adam they are the only people to offer me their condolences and not make comments that at least I have one healthy baby. They understand that I lost a baby, not a mess of cells and not just an empty sac. A baby. Granted the baby was small (they figure it died at about 6 weeks) and was only a mess of cells, but you know, I wanted that mess of cells, I planned to meet and hold that mess of cells. That mess of cells was my baby. I had/ have to grieve for that baby.
Now I am at week 12, I have felt Turducken wiggle a lot, I’m betting that this will be a wiggly baby, just like Trixie was. Sometimes I feel like Turducken is a girl, sometimes a boy. I think that the baby who died was a boy and Turducken is a girl, but I don’t know. I feel strongly that I was pregnant with a boy and girl.
I am still sad when I think about what could have been. And I am sure some people out there are chiding me in their minds, but scroll up and read what I went through again. That baby was wanted, along with the baby I am pregnant with. WANTED. LOVED. It’s not a blessing that I lost one of the twins. It’s a travesty. It’s horrible. It’s not something I ever want to feel again. People don’t seem to understand this.
Adam does though. So I am lucky. He has never said that “at least we have one”.
But we do. And s/he is a wiggly, kicky baby. For that I am grateful!
Archive for the ‘getting pregnant’ Category
Pregnancy and Loss.
Monday, July 13th, 2009The Gall! (bladder)
Thursday, November 13th, 2008Hey did you notice the post from yesterday, kinda lame, eh? I know that Adam wrote it, from his phone in the ER, and I’m totally not judging his writing. In fact I am so happy he posted, helps with the one a day, ya know. Anyhow there’s totally a story.
Since I’ve had Trixie I’ve had these excruciatingly bad pains in my abdomen and I thought that they were gas pains, so I went with that, gas pains. I took Gas-X like it was candy and complained and moaned that I was going to die, waiting for the pain to pass. At first it did in a couple of hours, and during that time I was still able to function, so it wasn’t much of an issue. But each episode would get worse and worse and finally when I would have “the pain” I would be layed up in bed quietly dying… although I’m sure Adam would say I wasn’t so quiet. (so painful!) Before I went to Canada the last time I had “the pain” again and it lasted 3 days, which also included me being on a plane with Trixie. Lets say I was less than amused. It sucked. I’m not sure how I survived. While in Canada I had “the pain” two more times, for a shorter time, but so much more intense. Anyhow can you see where this is going?
I keep getting gas pains, they are getting worse and worse and more frequent. I don’t see a doctor, eat Gas X like it’s candy and it does nothing. I suffer, Adam gets little sleep.
Then I get the mother of all of the episodes last Saturday night and it’s so painful that I throw up, several times, which wears my throat raw and makes me have bloody puke. On Monday Adam tells me to call the doctor, and she tries to prescribe me antacids. I refuse because I want to know why this is happening, and not just mask it with drugs, because I would like to get pregnant soon and I don’t want to be reliant on scary drugs. My doctor gets exasperated with me and sends me to a allergist who pokes me many times for a skin test which proves I have no allergies (yay I can drink milk again!) I have many blood tests and I am not pregnant, no allergic to wheat and have no issues with any of the organs she tested. (she didn’t test my liver….) Then last night “the pains” start again. So I rush to take an over the counter antacid and a handful of tums all washed down with some strong peppermint tea. I wait. There is still a lot of pain. Adam comes home and finds me crying from the pain (seriously as bad as labour pain, but with no breaks) so I call an advise nurse who tells me to go to the hospital NOW! We pack up the baby and go. We fill out forms, have my blood pressure checked and temperature checked (high- duh!, normal) and we wait. While we wait Trixie makes eyes at everyone she sees and they all coo over her, I try not to bite off the heads of random strangers in a hospital who are touching my baby, and I practice the breathing techniques I learned in my birth class. (they worked!) Finally I am called in and placed in a small room. I am asked a lot of questions, over and over. (why don’t they read each other’s notes?) Finally after a lot of breathing exercises, a couple tears and many doctors and nurses I have more blood drawn and am promised pain killers. The Big Burly Nurse comes in and he prepares an IV, (in my elbow!) and prepares to give me morphine, which I’m allergic to. (seriously, read the notes….) So he bustles off to find some other narcotic to inject me with, and comes back. It goes like this: inject, me freak out because I am immediately dizzy, BBN says it will pass in a minute and to breathe, I have no pain, but still dizzy. (and was until today)
The first doctor who I saw in the hospital comes in again and I can talk normally and not be gasping in pain, she tells me that I have the classic, albeit more intense, symptoms of passing a gall stone. She asks if I’ve ever been checked for gall stones -no. Ever had an abdominal ultrasound (not baby ultrasound) -no. Ever had blood tests to check for gall stones -no. So apparently my regular doctor who wanted to prescribe antacids is an idiot, and this isn’t the first time she’s totally screwed up… not the 2nd either. (new doc search commences when I get back from New Zealand) Anyhow the hospital doc says that she’ll come back with the blood test results. Then BBN comes in and says I need to pee in a cup, which I hate. I do though, and one would guess I am so dehydrated that my pee would be consistency of syrup. (it wasn’t) I later mention this to the doctor and she is convinced it’s my gall bladder since dark urine is a classic symptom. The doctor comes back and tells me that my liver is behaving like the liver of someone who is a heavy drinker, except I don’t drink, so it’s a surefire sign that I have gall bladder issues. I am told that they are keeping me over night and I will get an ultrasound in the morning. If my gall bladder is infected or inflamed they will remove it. Which would mean that I would have to postpone our trip to New Zealand. Adam and Trixie go home since it’s 2 in the morning, Adam was dead tired and Trixie was sleeping on me after having charmed the pants off of everyone until 1 am. I am left alone in the small ER room, listening to the chaos that is an ER. Adam and Trixie come back at 8:30 am, Adam’s eyes are all red and Trixie launches herself at me, in the cute way that she does. (Trixie woke up several times, so Adam didn’t get much sleep.) We sit around and wait and wait and wait. Then I am moved to the part of the ER where they keep people who have to stay over night. “It has a TV!” woo. Finally I am taken for an ultrasound. We come back to my new room. We wait, again, a lot. A new doctor comes in and… wait for it… I have gall stones! My gall bladder isn’t inflamed or infected so I will have to make appointments with surgery and book an appointment to have it removed.
So YAY I get to go to New Zealand on time, but it looks like we might have to postpone trying to get pregnant, and hopefully we won’t have to postpone it so much that I will have to redo the other surgeries I had earlier this summer.
Oh I was also prescribed vicodine… in case “the pain” returns.
So how was your night?
Third time’s a charm!
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008On Monday I went in for my third, (yes third!) operation in as many months in order to make my uterus baby ready. And by golly I think we’ve finally gotten it right this time. To avoid the intense pain I was in from the last surgery where I was awake and felt every scrape of my uterus I was put to sleep this time. This left Dr. Scrapes A Lot free to scrape the inside of my uterus without worrying about my pesky screaming, however that means I didn’t get to watch the surgery on the TV screen, which was pretty cool last time, and it means I couldn’t ask him my standard millions of questions. He did talk to Adam after he was all done with me and I was waking in the recovery area. He let Adam know that my uterus is all scraped clean, that I had a balloon in my uterus to prevent it from collapsing and scarring together and that basically I survived.
Today I went in for a post op. appointment and he removed the balloon from my uterus, which sucked. (he just pulled it out, OUCH!) He says that I didn’t have as much scar tissue as he’d expected but I did have a lot more polyps than expected. We’re waiting for the results from the lab to see just what kind of partying Trixie was doing while she had taken up residence in there.
All in all everything looks good. I just need to heal from this summer of surgeries and we can start trying to have another baby.
very exciting!
C-Sections suck!
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008Remember this? My famous last words in an attempt to be an optimist were, “Hopefully it isn’t anything serious…”; and so… I should have let my inner pessimist out to play!
Okay it’s not that bad, but I do have to go in for another surgery, this time a little more complicated one involving scissors. Which makes me remember this post; especially this line: “I’m pretty sure security is tight so no scissors were admitted without my approval…”, and now I have to admit some scissors! (And a camera and a little vacuum!) Sounds like a great way to spend an afternoon, doesn’t it?
Okay so why do c-sections suck? The infertility doctor figures that the crazy amounts of scarring I have are related to my c-section! Now please explain to me again why people willingly sign up for these? And, seriously if I hear to avoid tearing I might whip down my pants and show them my ugly c-section scar!
Okay lets talk about my uterus since I’ve told the internets everything else.
A normal uterus is like a triangle standing on it’s point with the wide part at the top. My uterus looks like a heart. The top is rounded out from scar tissue and there is something in the middle making it heart shaped, could be a polyp or just a lot of scarring, the doctor isn’t quite sure at this time. We know that the scarring is related to the c-section and pregnancy because we have images from April 2007 of my uterus and it was a perfect triangle, and now it’s not. The scarring is in a strange place since the slicing and dicing for baby extraction is done at the bottom of the uterus, but apparently it’s still all related.
So it looks like that this is the birth that keeps on giving! (answer me again, why do people sign up for c-sections?*)
*I mean elective c-sections, not emergency ones. I know that I am being a little harsh for judging people for not wanting small tears in their perineum instead opting for a 6 inch gash across their bikini line, but it doesn’t make any sense to me at all.
Back on the wagon…
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008As I changed my status on facebook today I realized that not everyone will have any clue what I mean when I wrote that I feel like I’ve been punched in the uterus. Today I went into the hospital for a fallopian tube recanalization, which is why I am a little on the achy side of things.
Just before Trixie was conceived I had another procedure which checked out the fallopian tubes and we found out that one was blocked and we had planned to get it fixed, but then were fortunate enough to get pregnant. So now the baby is here and now is a great time to start thinking about a sibling for Trixie so we’re starting all of the fertility treatments and procedures again.
The procedure today was okay. I was given some interesting drugs which really relaxed me and left me awake for the doctors, but I don’t remember much. I recall him telling me that my tube was still blocked, then I was told to shift positions, there was talk of some scarring and then it was all done. I went into the room thinking that I would ask a lot of questions, but apparently the drugs were too good! (hmm the doctors might want to drug me up more since I am sure I ask too many questions, hee hee.) After I napped a little in the recovery area the nurse told me that it was successful and they were able to unblock my tube. (I guess that is why they wanted me to tip on one side, they wanted to help the stuff drain into my tube.) I asked Adam later, since the doctor talked to him and he was told that everything went well I have 2 clear tubes. He did mention that I had some scarring in my uterus, which may be from my c-section. Hopefully it isn’t anything serious, but this doctor was going to mention it to my regular infertility doctor.
So that’s it. We’re back on the infertility wagon, hoping to give Trixie a sibling sometime next year. We have talked about this to some people and I’ve been regaled with stories about “that woman” who conceived naturally after infertility problems. I wonder if she’s related to “this woman I know who went on a vacation and got pregnant”. Perhaps there are whole gangs of “those women”.
I want to kick them in the shins!
Infertili-what?
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008Today at a playgroup I was talking to one of the other moms who conceived her baby through IVF, so I shared my story with her how Trixie is an IUI baby. We spent the next 40 minute or so sharing our stories and talking about when we were each going to try again. (me later this year, her maybe next year) Then we both reminded each other about the infertile gone fertile urban myth. How some mothers will just have all of her problems magically go away after she gives birth the first time. Other mothers that were sitting near us and heard the conversation also assured us that they know of someone who knows someone who turned fertile and “it was amazing!” I smiled and nodded, secretly hoping that I’ll someday have an “accident baby”, but in reality I suspect I’ll be injecting myself on a daily basis again for a couple weeks to get Trixie a sibling.
Then on my way home I was thinking about the whole conversation and how talking about it kind of dredged up some old feelings. I had forgotten how gutted I was every time I would get my period, or how when I found out a good friend had her baby I sobbed so hard I nearly lost my voice. I’d forgotten how lonely I felt, feeling like everyone around me was getting pregnant and I couldn’t, even though I wanted to so badly.
I feel like I shouldn’t forget those times, after all I was so consumed with my efforts to get pregnant, and I will have to go through it again. It’s kind of like if I don’t remember the efforts I put in I’m doing an injustice to every imagined baby I would have had each time I’d slog through another two week wait.
On the other hand I don’t want to dwell on something so depressing when I have her to look at every day.
Regrets
Friday, December 21st, 2007It’s getting to be that time of year when we look back and reflect on the year.
This year has been mostly good to me. It started out rough and left me hopeless 5 times, and ends on a high note. I have a lot to be happy for, a baby on the way, a new house to move into in the New Year and a strong, secure, happy marriage where I get to laugh with my best friend every day.
I’m sure if I were to look there would be some regrets. However, honestly I don’t look. I don’t see how it’s productive to look at what you did wrong and lament over it. When I do make a mistake I try to learn from it, but beating myself up over it is counter productive. That being said I have a small regret….
I missed seeing the Spice Girls reunion tour when it was in San Jose. I heard it was great. And man I loves me some Spice Girls!
"How much is that baby in the window?"
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007As you all know I have never been quiet about the issues Adam and I had to get pregnant. Luckily for Adam, it was all me. I had the issues and it really and truly sucked, as much as I laughed about it, making jokes how I could feel the needles catch on my skin as I pulled them out of my belly; the whole ordeal sucked. Every time I found out that a cycle didn’t work I would be devastated. Then every time one of my friends had a baby I would be a wreck for a week or so. As much as I was elated for them, I was devastated and imagined a life of needles and more failed attempts, because I knew I would not give up. Anyhow fast forward to now and I am 18 and a bit weeks pregnant. I still have anxiety that something will happen and I won’t end up with a baby in my arms. I get really anxious when I haven’t felt him move for a couple days, although I know it’s normal. (I have never claimed to have rational feelings about any of this getting and being pregnant thing.) So here we are now. I’m pregnant, Adam has a great new job and we’re looking at our options for insurance through his new employer. We can have the same insurance that we had at his old job, but it only covers 50% of infertility visits, procedures and drugs. From what I understand a visit to the clinic is $200, and when I am on the injectable drugs I need to go 2-3 times a week. Which is really really expensive if you have multiple failed cycles.
When Adam was telling me all of this I was really upset. It upsets me that I have to struggle to have a baby, and now we will have to pay so much to get pregnant. It’s really not fair when I think of all of the people in this world, or even people who’ve I’ve encountered in my life who can just have a baby and not understand the importance of that baby. It’s not fair.
Then to add insult to injury I read this article. I want those women to be grateful for what they have been blessed with.
Anyhow just something on my mind.
Hey guess what?
Saturday, July 7th, 2007I’m finally pregnant!
YAY!
I thought that this would be the best way to tell the rest of the world. And by world I mean my readers, and by readers, I mean reader, as there only seems to be one.
In any case, YAY!
Apparently poking oneself in the belly nightly for 3 weeks, then getting the most invasive type of insemination, taking a multitude of drugs everyday to stabilize the wonky reproductive system and crossing every crossable body part is all it took! (good to know for next time!)
The estimated due date is sometime in February, (in the middle, and we’re really hoping for a non-valentines baby), so I am 2 months pregnant now. I understand that it’s early to be announcing anything, but geeze people, I’ve held off this long! Besides if anything were to go wrong it’s not like I wouldn’t have written about it here!
So right now we’re calling he/she Murp. I came up with that from the first ultrasound where Murp wasn’t more than a lump of conception, and I tried to say blob and blip at the same time as I was gasping and thus Murp was christened.
We will find out the gender as soon as we can.
We already have names picked out, but we’re keeping them secret. (I have to be able to surprise you all with something, but don’t worry they are really good names. After all I am really good at picking names, I mean Bonsai, Chachi? The best pet names for those pets!)
I don’t have any morning sickness yet, although I am bracing myself. I get carsick even easier, which I didn’t think was possible, but it is! I was having nasty bouts of dizziness which prompted the doctors to worry that it was eptopic, but alas, it was not.
Oh there is only one baby. After all I did have 5 eggs this cycle.
I have no desire to eat, and I finally understand how Adam feels all of the time. (He gets hungry but has no appetite, just a hungry feeling) When I do eat I can’t stomach meat well, or any animal product, I only want veggies. I can have a little meat, but a whole meat entree leaves me feeling like super crap. I try to avoid that. Milk is gross to me, unless it’s on a frosted cereal, or I put chocolate in it. I don’t want ice cream, which is terrible because I love ice cream! I do love popscicles though! (A good byproduct of this is that I’ve managed to lose 5 pounds!)
I am peeing a lot, and it’s irritating. I am very sleepy, last night I slept for 10 hours, and was up for 3 and needed a nap. Sometimes if I am sitting on the couch watching TV I’ll just fall asleep, then I’ll wake up an hour later, totally confused.
I am hungry, without fail every 2-3 hours, and yet I can’t figure out what I really want to eat.
I’m getting weird heart palpataions, but after talking to several doctors and 2 advise nurses, seeing a doctor and getting an EKG, it’s a normal pregnancy thing. They aren’t painful, just weird.
Hmm I think that’s it.
I’m sorry this is so jumbly, but I’ve been keeping it in for the past 6 weeks! Sigh.
So here’s hoping I don’t get morning sickness, and that Jamba Juice moves in next door, becasue I really like it.
YAY!
Decisions (edited)
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007I haven’t made it a secret that Adam and I really want to have a baby. So along with our discussions on timing, names and nursery options we’ve also discussed other more hippy topics. Like co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding and circumcision. For the record I am pro on the first three and vehemently oppose circumcision.
Did you know that when the doctor circumcises a baby, the baby is strapped down onto a board? Then when the doctor starts he has to rip the foreskin off of the baby’s penis! The foreskin is attached to the baby like your fingernail is attached to your fingernail bed. It’s not until the child is older does it start to detach.
Like reading up on what kind of a stroller I want, I’ve also researched circumcisions, and I’m glad I’m not a boy! I’ve read a lot of the arguments that parents give as to why they get them. My favourites are: It’s cleaner. So I wonder if the parents have ever heard of soap, and how it’s used. Furthermore the majority of the men in the world aren’t circumcised and they’re still clean. Another argument is that a circumcised male is more protected against AIDS. To which I reply– condoms. (I’ve read both sides of this argument, so say it increases the odds and other say it doesn’t)
Anyhow here’s a website about circumcision and some of the techniques used. Look at the pictures (they’re gory, be warned) and then if you’re a woman be thankful you are, if you’re going to have kids, vow never to do that to your baby boy, and if you’re a man who has been circumcised, I’m truly sorry. Finally if you’re an uncircumcised man, count yourself lucky!
Edited to add…
Jenny, I know that you did not want to be controversial, and I’m glad that you left a comment. It’s nice to read an honest, educated comment. I understand that doctors are gentle and not tearing away at a baby. Ripping was a bad verb for me to use. This whole rant was the product of people just not understanding what really happens when they agree to a circumcision, or agreeing to one without even thinking of the other option.
I was going to add a little anecdote and didn’t, but here it is.
When I was in England I worked for a Jewish family and the mother explained to me in hushed tones that her son was a little different “down there”. She went on to explain that she didn’t want me to be shocked and that although she didn’t really practice her religion she wanted to make sure her son went to the private Jewish schools in the area. She seemed, to me, a little ashamed that she had to have her son circumcised. I explained to her that it’s quite common in Canada and assured her that I had seen a circumcised penis; she was relieved, telling me that it wasn’t as common in the UK. I didn’t think much of it then, but I had just moved to England and was still reeling that I was actually there. Later I thought about it and learning that it’s not widely done in England made the UK seem so much more prosh to me. Fast forward to now, when I really need to consider it, and reading what I have, I’ve developed strong opinions. I also wanted to have a link to that website ’cause I am sure that there will be people who would question me on my decision.
Now, is it okay or is it not okay to pierce a baby girl’s ears before she can decide for herself?